I hate Ham.

Best outcome of today - Foodworks Deli boy and my mother laughing at me because I wasn't sure if I was buying ham or some other kind of lunch meat.
Not my fault, it all looks the same - pink, shredded, weird looking and slumpy.
I hate that Deli boy for laughing at me, I will get revenge on you Cody Green!

Anyway, my blog seems less interesting these days but I really, really regret deleting my old one, oh how I miss you. Why the fuck can't it regenerate itself like my liver or like Formspring? p.s I hate you Formspring.
I hate doing everything over and over again, it's really overrated like the whole 'practice makes perfect' concept. I mean, I'm not the biggest fan of writing a draft essay and then rewriting it when the only outcome was changing a few spelling mistakes and punching in a couple of words I found by using that right click simile thing. And face it, by the next day, I've forgetting key points and never even consider the information again, I just use Google.
I think this is one of those times, when I don't want to do it but have to and then I forget what I wrote after 15 minutes.
Okay, I admit it, I'm a lazy, lazy, LAZY person and if I could just drink cup after cup of peppermint tea I would and occasionally light the odd ciggie with a good book, my life would be set.
Unfortunately, my life is a big mess of paper, computers, cold tea, packets of ciggies and a whole lot of money I don't have. 

I am a cop?

My fingers just want to write down everything I'm thinking but they simply do not move fast enough and I have come to the conclusion that my fingers are jealous of my mouth by the speed it can produce words without mistakes.
And, to be honest, my thoughts are really nothing and seem like thousands of grasshoppers jumping around inside my skull and I can't seem to catch even one to put into a jar.
Anyway, I figured out my skills today while I was sitting in the Doctors and therefore I should have people lining up to be my friend.
Because a) I can write 109 words per minute and you only need like 30 words to become a cop or something which makes me better then a cop because b) cops look after people and besides being a tad corrupt sometimes it means I get all the good ends of the bargins by c) meaning I can walk into shops and ask for a drink and get it for free and d) well I don't have any thing else for d but the a,b and c were damn good reasons.
Besides the fact I just completely compared my puny self to a police officer who has a gun.
Okay maybe not, but I know I have more skills then Napoleon Dynamite, excpet for when it comes to hunting for wolverines in Alaska.
This is probably why I have no friends because I talk so much shit, but in the end, everyone lies so much you can almost believe it.
Ohwell.

Hospital

Well, two months later and I'm discharged from hospital. I myself call that such a fucking achievement considering it was the hardest place to be where you have no contact to the outside world excpet for a 10 minute phone call and a brief walk to the vending machine.
I'm happy.
I'm alright.
I want to live and explore.
I am Bec Freeman, I have severe depression and a pcychotic side show. More importantly, it doesn't affect my life anymore. My emotions do not control me.
You can like me, or you can hate me, but I am me now.

Let go of the things you honestly don't want.

I like sending all the things I don't like back to Myspace, no one will visit it there and never even know what I'm talking about.
I'm over just the massive bitching on Facebook, if you hate them so much, why do you even bother or better yet, why not just confront them and see how that pans out for? Hiding behind a keyboard and a fucking moniter, yeah that's heaps tough.

Anyway, I've decided that as soon as I get myself a boyfriend (must be able to drive or there's not point in my plan) we are going to travel around Australia - at first but not the hot dry areas because I'm not a fan of flies and the buzzing and the conversations between my ear and their wings.

I will paint and draw and take photos out the window of the car and everywhere we go and he will tell me wonderful stories about the things he's done and where he's been and what makes him happy. We'll grow our hair long and I'll snip his when he thinks it's too long with a pair of old scissors in the back seat. The car will smell like vinalla and ciggerette smoke and shampoo.

All we will do is just love and be happy and only need each other and meet people to go out for coffee and drinks with.

I can't actually seeing that happening because who want to go on a trip and love me?
Yeah more like solo road trip trying to find something I want in life. Happiness sounds like a good idea to me.
Sometimes I wish I never threw you away.
This is my new beginning. Forgive but never forget.

If people were rain, I'd be drizzle and you'd be hurricane.

Blogging seems to be such a waste of time now and so much effort to even type a single word, one time I used have 30247239048 followers and loved it because it was like my own story. Then I relised, I have nothing to tell.
I suppose I'll continue to lie to myself considering I have what seems like nothing again, here we go.
I've spent almost 6 weeks in a hospital now and breathing outside air seems to make me sick and razor blades keep slipping down my throat and fire is all over my skin.
You cannot image how safe it feels to feel safe and then to have everything, your life, be ripped out from under you because there's monster dancing in your head and terrifying every inch of your body, screaming in the back of your brain and when all you see is darkness and those eyes you used to see everything so perfect now feels drunk.
Once again, I'm back at this point of recovery, trying to peice my story back together but there's always that missing puzzle peice, the one the vaccum stole.
I finally moved on from something then to have you use me again. You took my best friend. You were to ashamed of me to call for help. You left me. I have something living in me now. Make it go away.
I'm lost.
I'm scared.
I'm cold.
Alaska, I've found you and don't want to be in that place again, stop pulling me back to the ice.